Two out of three ain't bad
by C.Rara
Summary: Snapes entire existance had been wrought with misery, so why had he deluded himself into believing he could ever bring happiness to someone else? "I want you, i need you but there ain't no way i'm ever going to love you" Poor Severus.


**2 out of 3 ain't bad**

"_Fucking Bastard." "Arsehole." "Slimy git."  
Unprofessional as always, Auriga Sinistra had retaliated to Severus's sardonic comments with a variety of colourful and abusive prose that rose in decibel with every ill-intended oath.  
"My, my, Auriga. There's really no need to demonstrate your pitiable upbringing in front of the students." he replied with mocking insincerity and a slight smirk, which understandably, was swiftly wiped off after a rather painful collision with what appeared to be a flying shoe. _

_The students were bewildered, looking from a shocked and dishevelled Professor Snape who was rubbing his bruised nose in one hand and holding Professor Sinistra's sandal in the other, to professor Sinistra herself who was standing tall with a self- righteous look on her face as if she had just dished out long-deserved justice._

"_What exactly is going on here?" demanded a stern voice entering the corridor "shouldn't you all be in lessons –oh! Professors"  
Minerva McGonagall raised an eyebrow.  
"Students, depart to whichever classrooms you ought to be in, immediately" she said sharply.  
"But miss, I've got a free per-"the words died on the cheeky Ravenclaws mouth when 3 formidable and well-practised glares were suddenly boring into his eyes. Turning on his heel immediately, as if he'd never said anything, the student marched away in the opposite direction of his common room. He froze, turned around and continued right on past the professors without looking, though a definite blush was spreading across his cheeks._

Minerva nodded and made a small noise of approval, before shooting an "I can't believe you got into an argument again. Can't you just go off and realise you're in love and have lots of babies" glance that neither of the pair ever seemed to notice, and suffered the consequential shudder at the thought of what demon could possibly be spawned from the loins of Sinistra and Snape. Rolling her eyes at her colleagues' obliviousness and utter moronity, Minerva marched off to the staffroom for a cup of highly-sugary tea to give her the courage to face the first year twins Fred and George's third detention with her, just two weeks into the school year. They would learn to behave. They would.

It was much easier back then. Severus and Auriga were perfectly content to bicker and fight and relentlessly pretend they didn't have feelings for each other.

"_You're a right royal twat, you know that?" Sinistra asked him with a voice as sharp as flint and eyes that suggested that the phrase 'if looks could kill' was not figurative.  
"And you are not nearly as scary as you believe yourself to be, Auriga" Severus replied, amused by her insult rather than offended.  
Dignified as always, Sinistra was far too busy stumbling yet again as she slung her soaking wet bag over her shoulder, to come up with a witty response and so she settled with her classically mature "sod off, bastard" to present her message clearly. _

_Severus scoffed.  
"It's not __**my**__ fault you're incapable of walking in snow, Auriga" _

"_YOU PUSHED ME!" she screamed in undue outrage, fortunately not drawing attention from any person nearby for the simple reason that there was no person nearby, but had there been, they most certainly would have had their attention drawn by her shrieks. _

"_I did not!" argued a disgruntled Severus defiantly "__**I**__ was attempting to catch you __**before**__ you fell to the ground and acquired an unsightly albeit comical wet patch on your backside."_

_Auriga froze with the back of her hand pressed against her nose which she had been about to quickly wipe.  
"Alluring as always, Auriga" Severus sneered, wrinkling his nose in disgust, but she didn't hear. _

"_You. Were. Going. To. Help. Me?" She said the words slowly as if trying to process an impossible concept or speak an unfamiliar language. Her face split into a huge grin.  
"and you were staring at my bum, Severus?"_

_It was Severus's turn to appear comatose._

"_Do you loooooooove, me?" Sinistra laughed at the ridiculous thought and at the vein that was in danger of bursting in Snape's left temple."Hahahahaha"  
Snape turned on the spot and stalked away, Auriga's words and laughter ringing in his ears.  
_

_Did he love her?_

No.

And it had been a very poor time to realise it; nearly 6 months after they had gone on their 'first date.' Not really a date at all so much as an incredibly awkward dinner which the Hogwarts staff had surprised them with. And by 'surprise' he meant 'locked them in the staff room, wandless, with candles, dinner and a self-refilling glass of firewhisky'. The alcohol had proven itself very useful however; eliminating all uneasiness as well as all inhibitions, causing them to finally acknowledge their full potential as a romantically involved duo and mentally scar Professor Flitwick who had been unaware of the other teachers plan and stumbled into the room, immediately presented with the horrific sight of Auriga and Severus 'going at it' on the sofa. Madame Pomfrey claimed she had never seen a worse case of shock in all her years of healing...

They were happy. Severus had really hoped it would be enough, but she had fallen head over heels for him (and with her utter lack of grace that phrase wasn't entirely a metaphor) and he cared way too much for her to continue his charade. He should have stuck to his gut instinct and stayed away from her. Hadn't his first experience taught him he should never endeavour to hold such human emotions as love? All it did was cause dismay and destruction. The tears streaming down her face as her heart broke was enough evidential proof. She had been so happy.

"_Auriga"_ _he said softly, grabbing her arm as she passed by him. Naturally she hadn't seen him, hidden away in a little cove as he was, but her alarm immediately disappeared as a light of recognition sparked in her eyes and a joyful smile spread across her lips. She was tilting her head up for a kiss. The pure and innocent delight in her eyes was almost enough to shatter his resolve. He was stronger than this. _

"_we need to talk" he heard the old cliché escape his mouth before he could even think of biting them back. "It's nothing to do with you, it's all me." Her smile died, and with it, so did his soul._

He didn't know how long he'd talked for, hours, telling everything about him that he thought she should know. Not the basics that she already knew from previous conversations she'd deemed to be 'heart-to-hearts' but everything. All the tragedies. All the pain. All the atrocities he'd seen. All the atrocities he'd done.

**Baby we can talk all night  
But that aint getting us nowhere  
I told you everything I possibly can  
There's nothing left inside of here  
And maybe you can cry all night  
But that'll never change the way that I feel  
The snow is really piling up outside  
I wish you wouldn't make me leave here**

There was nothing he could do or say. He couldn't even try to rub her hand comfortingly as his very touch seemed to burn her skin and her physical pain at the sound of his voice was as transparent as the glass windows in the room. It was snowing outside.

"Snow" he murmured, in an uncharacteristically soft voice "do you know, it was last year in the snow that I realised I had feeling for you. Do you remember? You slipped and fell right over, then claimed I pushed you. Ha-ha" He had intended on reminding her of funnier times, but her anguished scream as she buried her head in the pillow suggested otherwise.

"I'm sorry" he whispered, stroking her hair lightly "you knew I was a 'heartless bastard' though, you told me it countless times."  
"You love me" Auriga said in hushed tones, her voice though hoarse from crying was resolute "you love me, Severus."  
"I'm sorry, Auriga, I just don't"

**And all I can do is keep on telling you  
I want you  
I need you  
But -- there aint no way I'm ever gonna love you  
Now don't be sad  
cause two out of three aint bad  
Now don't be sad  
cause two out of three aint bad**

"Don't" Auriga sobbed, looking more vulnerable than he had ever seen her "you just don't. Go. Please, please, Sev- go."

It wasn't the corny nickname she used to tease him with ("Sev, or if she felt particularly spiteful Sevvy".) It was that she couldn't bring herself to say his name, he realised with a sudden wrench of his heart. If he had a heart. It seemed unlikely_._

Auriga passionately believed that despite all the dark things Severus must have done as a death eater, underneath it all he was a good guy. Snape had no such faith in himself. He had killed. He had killed children, and shown no regret or remorse. He was evil, a twisted and monstrous soul with a thousand shadows following him wherever he went. Auriga didn't deserve to be with such a broken person, and no matter how much it hurt to tell her, she needed to be enlightened on the fact that positive thinking and wishes in a fountain were never going to change Severus. He was never going to be good enough for her, and deep down, he thought even she knew it.

**You'll never find your gold on a sandy beach  
You'll never drill for oil on a city street  
I know you're looking for a ruby in a mountain of rocks  
But there ain't no Coup de Ville  
Hiding at the bottom of a Cracker Jack box  
**

Severus had his expectations of an easy life shattered. From the age of 4 he didn't even share that child-like dream of love. He knew love was dangerous and terrible.

_Severus was four years old and it was Christmas day.__  
"Here you are, love" his mother simpered, holding a present forward to her husband with a look of apprehension on her face. The wrapping was torn off unceremoniously, without even a slight nod of thanks, and his squinty little eyes rolled over the book with little interest.  
"Shit" he muttered in a drunken slur "bloody shit. What'd you buy me this for? Dumb slut. Money wasted."  
Eileen recoiled as if struck and tears brimmed in her eyes. She had trailed around for hours searching for that one book. Severus knew. Severus had been made to carry the shopping basket. But it was just one of those days when his father couldn't be pleased and Severus accepted that sometimes those days would have to fall on Christmas.  
Who really gave a damn about Christmas anyway?  
_

_"Look, Toby..."  
Shut up, Mum, shut up! Reasoning with him won't do any good!  
"I TOLD YOU NOT TO CALL ME TOBY YOU WRETCHED WHORE!" 'Daddy' suddenly roared, spittle flying from his mouth. The unexpected shouting scared Severus, and as most little boys confronted with abuse might be inclined to do, he began crying and reached for his Mother for comfort.  
"SHUT UP. SHUT UP YOU STUPID BRAT."  
"Stop, Tobias, stop shouting."  
"DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO FUCKING DO IN MY OWN DAMN HOUSE, WOMAN" Tobias bellowed over Severus's incessant wailing.  
"Tobias, To-"the shock of the hit, more than the hurt, was what silenced Eileen. Yes their arguments had occasionally descended into more that swearwords but to outright punch her was a whole new factor. Severus yelled even more seeing his mother scrambling to pull herself upright on their dingy old table whilst his dad raised his fist to make yet another swing, but before his hand could make target a loud crackling was heard and as if he had suddenly been slashed with a whip. Tobias clutched his cheek and fell back into the Christmas tree.  
_

_Severus stopped crying to gasp. Mummy had broken the 'don't use magic in front of Daddy' rule. Severus had never seen magic before.  
"Wow" he whispered in awe. One day he could do that, maybe.  
His father rounded on him.  
"Wow?" he asked, breathing heavily, his eyes bulging out crazily and his teeth grinding together "WOW? THINK ITS GREAT DO YOU? BRAT. WANT TO BE LIKE YOUR FUCKING MUMMY? WITCHCRAFT. MAGICIAN. __**I**__ BRING IN THE MONEY. __**I **__FEED YOU.__** I**__ GAVE YOU THE CLOTHES ON YOUR UNGRATEFUL LITTLE BACK. BUT NO, __**YOU THINK MUMMY IS THE GOOD PARENT, EH**__?" _

_  
It was then that the blows began to fall, and little Severus didn't think either of them was a good parent. Because although Daddy was the one leaving yet more bruises for his neighbours and muggle teachers to ignore, Mummy was the one standing in the doorway watching with a mask-like blank face, before walking away down the corridor. _

So Severus had learned from a young age that the one way to make oneself unassailable was to show no outwards emotion and never lose control.

"_Slytherin!"  
The hat finally called out the one word Severus had been hoping to hear all the while he sat under it. He understood the hat was slightly narked at having to give in to the his own demands rather than decide for itself, but he also appreciated that there were very few occasions when riling a hat was possible, and he should do his best to seize each one of these opportunities.  
That was not to say the hat hadn't put forward many good arguments  
_

"_You're smart, you know. Ravenclaw would be full of great minds such as yourself and would help you further your knowledge to extremes that at your age you can only being to wonder"  
__"where-as Slytherin would allow me to actually get something useful from my abilities"_

"_you're stubborn. You may even have a tad of courage, if you look deep enough in you, lad, how about Gryffindor, hmmm?"  
__"with idiots like Black and Potter, no thanks, I'd rather go into Hufflepuff"_

"_Hufflepuff? I wonder..."  
__"Put me in Hufflepuff and I'll throw you in the common room fire"_

"_no, certainly not Hufflepuff. Would you like to know why?"  
__"Because I said I'd throw you in the fire?"  
__"No. Because Hufflepuffs have a tendency to be nice, compassionate and loving human beings."  
__"You mean stupid and naive"_

"_look, you've ruled out Hufflepuff. Fair enough. You'd eat them alive, but I feel really strongly that you could belong in Gryffindor"  
__"And I feel really strongly about throwing you in the fire..."  
__"are you sure you don't want to be in Gryffindor"  
__"positive"  
__"not even to be with Miss Evans?"  
__"That's it. Happy burning..."  
__"SLYTHERIN!" _

_It was as Severus felt the hat being removed and went to stand up that he thought he heard the words "__Slytherin it is. Wonder if he knows how they'll treat him. Well, couldn't change his mind. Just like the last one"_

_He sat down at the table and felt a hand fall heavily on his shoulder.  
"Oi. Snape, right?" they said, in a huge big smile and an obviously fake cheeriness. "You're one hell of an ugly fucker, aren't you? I'm Rodolphus. Rodolphus Lestrange actually. Pureblood. Which you're not, are you? So tell me, half-blood, why are you- a being scarcely better than that disgusting mudblood I saw you walk in with-sitting down on our table. Eh? You're not welcome. You might infect us with your filthy muggle-father germs. So don't sit here again, there's a good lad. That way we won't have to kill you, alright?"  
Snape didn't nod, or say alright, or do anything that would have been remotely non-self-destructive.  
He just said, and to this today he still doesn't know why "I'd like to see you try."  
A girl with huge brown eyes that seemed to be bottomless and reveal nothing all at the same time and wild black hair that fell down in wavy tendrils across her typical aristocratic high cheek bones, burst into shrill and uncontrollable laughter halfway through Thomas Vince being declared a Ravenclaw.  
_

_The scary guy-Rodolphus-pulled her into him, into something that resembled a hug (if a 'hug' didn't sound so innocent and wasn't at such an angle that the guy could see right down the girls blouse) so that her giggles were smothered by his chest.  
She eventually calmed down enough to rule, breathlessly, that Severus should be allowed to stay on account of being "so damn funny."  
Severus didn't reply, nor did he comment on the sight of what he deemed inappropriate behaviour between a 13 and 17 year old. He soon learned that Bellatrix Lestrange was not like any other 13 year old girl anyway_

"_he's still half muggle" Rodolphus protested weakly, but it was clear that he didn't care for the subject anymore, staring hungrily as he was at the girl cuddled up to him.  
Severus hated his father at that point, for disadvantaging him in a very precarious house, despite being miles away in England. Why did he screw up every little aspect of Severus's life? _

But although he loathed his father more than any being in the world, save himself, Severus had never intended on murdering him. He had hoped in having a rational conversation with his father. At 18, Severus was powerful, intelligent, fearsome but most of all well-disciplined. He never thought he'd lose control in such an extreme way.

_Severus knocked on the door impatiently. The funeral was over but there had been one person noticeable missing.  
"Where were you" he hissed the second the door was opened wide enough for him to walk in "where were you?"  
His father seemed slightly shaken at the sight of Severus looking so authoritative, impassive and dispassionate.  
"Who invited you in, eh? Who invited you in, boy?"  
Severus stepped back as the stench of alcohol infiltrated his nostrils.  
"Oh wonderful father. You've decided to knock yet more years off your life. I'm sure you'll be sorely missed"  
Tobias looked for a second as if he were about to strike, but then shrugged and turned away. A wise move. _

_"You weren't at the funeral" Severus said, dangerously soft again. "Why?"  
"Didn't feel like going" his father shrugged, smiling. "been celebrating all day, though" he declared proudly, nodding towards a number of empty bottles strewn across the floor  
Severus's eye twitched but it was the only outward emotion he displayed. Somehow though, it didn't go unnoticed by his father.  
"Now don't tell me __**you**__ went boy. Yeh didn't care for her. You were a hell of a brat. She hated yeh."  
Severus was staring his father straight in the eye now, anger bubbling up behind his facade of calmness.  
"No, she hated you, Tobias" Severus said "she hated that she loved you. And I hate you. Everybody hates you."_

_  
Tobias chuckled. "You hate me, do you, boy? For what, telling yeh off now and again? I was teaching yeh a lesson, I was. Stand up for yourself. You didn't ever fight back, did yeh, you utter wimp? Look at you, still got no muscle. Still weak and useless."  
"I think you'll find i'm neither weak nor useless, father. You on the other hand are a muggle and a coward who was too scared to go to his own wife's funeral in case somebody there blamed you for her death. In case someone pointed the finger at you. In case you had to come to terms with the fact that you killed your own wife."  
"I DIDN'T KILL HER! SHE DIED OF HEART PROBLEMS!" Tobias screamed, going purple in a matter of seconds.  
"SHE DIED OF A BROKEN HEART" Severus replied, shouting back at his father for the first time in his life. "IT'S YOUR FAULT. EVERYTHING'S YOUR FAULT! MY LIFE! MOTHERS DEATH! EVERYTHING"  
He expected sorrow. He expected regret. At best Severus expected some level of compassion. He got sniggering.  
_  
"_Look at yeh, boy. Trying to get angry. What are yeh going to do, laddy? Gonna voodoo me? If your mother was a decent witch why'd she not just heal herself? And why didn't you heal her? You're a wizard according to that god-damn school, though you look more like a witch to me. You knew she was ill and you never even visited. Not even during holidays. Hung out with your so-called friends, getting that there god-awful tattoo and doing who knows what, in the very summer in which your own mother was DYING..."  
"Shut it" Severus was incensed at his father's jeers "shut it"  
"doesn't sound much like a spell to me, boy. 'Shut it.' I was expecting 'Alakazam, or Abracadabra or something. What else is there boy, go on, show me your _amazing_ abilities. What can you do boy?"  
Severus tried desperately to breathe slowly and regain composure, but his breathing came out in loud pants that did nothing to calm him.  
"You killed her. Not me. You. Avada Kedavra."_

**  
****I can't lie  
I can't tell you that I'm something I'm not  
No matter how I try  
I'll never be able  
To give you something  
Something that I just haven't got**

_  
_His father's smug look that never vanished, even as he fell dead to the floor, was permanently in Severus's mind for years to come. Replaced only by the perfectly captured look of terror frozen on the face of his one true love, the one person more important to him than sunlight, food or oxygen, the day she died. Or rather, the day he murdered her.

**There's only one girl that I will ever love  
And that was so many years ago  
And though I know I'll never get her out of my heart  
She never loved me back  
Ooh I know**

Lily. Lily. Lily. Lily. Lily. Lily. Lily. Lily. Lily. Lily. Lily. Lily. Lily. Lily. Lily. Lily. Lily. Lily. Lily. Lily. Lily. Lily. Lily. Lily. Lily. Lily. Lily. Lily. Lily. Lily. Lily. Lily. Lily. Lily. Lily. Lily. Lily. Lily. Lily. Lily. Lily. Lily. Lily. Lily. Lily. Lily. Lily. Lily. Lily. Lily. Lily. Lily. Lily. Lily. Lily. Lily. Lily. Lily. Lily. Lily. Lily. Lily. Lily. Lily. Lily. Lily.

He would not remember her smile. He would not remember her hair. He would not remember the hugs she gave when he was upset. The food she'd bring when his mother had forgotten to cook for him again. The way she'd stand up for him in school. Her beauty. Her kindness. Her laugh like a thousand tinkling bells. The way her eyes would light up on a summer morning. The way she would study and study and study for hours for a test that she already knew the answers too.  
He would not remember. He would not remember.  
He would not remember the way she stopped yelling at Potters practical jokes but instead laughed at them.  
He would not remember that elated smile she wore when she walked down to Hogsmede, hand in hand with James Potter. Right past Severus. She hadn't even acknowledged him.  
He would not remember the knife in his heart as he opened the invitation to her wedding.  
He would not remember his fury at the sight of her huffing and puffing profoundly as she lugged her shopping about, radiating beauty with a heavily pregnant stomach.

He would not remember hearing the prophecy.  
He would not remember gleefully rushing back to tell his master. His euphoria at having such worthy information.

He would not remember the fearful look forever painted on the face he saw, ephemerally, as the corpse was dragged away from the rubble. He would not remember wondering how scared she must have been, knowing she and her son were about to die. He would not remember seeing her lifeless body being laid next to James Potter's, as her grief-stricken friends fell to their knees around the pair. He would not remember how perfect they looked together, even in death. He would not remember how gravity stopped existing as the whole world fell out of place around him as he realised with dawning horror the tragic extent of what he'd done.

He would always remember murdering her. He would always remember her.

**I want you  
I need you  
But there aint no way I'm ever gonna love you  
Now don't be sad  
cause two out of three aint bad**

**-x-**

And that's why, Auriga, I'll never be able to love you. I know it must cause you more pain that I could bear for you to suffer, knowing that am now, and forever will be, obsessed with my dear sweet Lily. I killed her. I loved her and I killed her. I can't ever forget her. I don't want to forget what I did. I don't deserve to forget what I did. **  
I want you  
I need you  
But there aint no way I'm ever gonna love you  
Now don't be sad  
cause two out of three aint bad  
**

Auriga, I care for you more than anybody would believe a 'fucking, slimy, bastardly arsehole' could be capable of feeling. And I don't ever want to hurt you.

I'm a death eater. I always will be.

I want you more than I've ever wanted anything in my life.  
I need you -you were the only thing keeping me sane. I think by leaving you I'll be swallowed up by the darkness that's creeping up on me each and every day.  
But I have never, do not, and will never love you.

**Don't be sad**

**  
cause two out of three aint bad**


End file.
